I heard a joke today as I was struggling up a ridiculously steep hill in the welcome sunshine:
'What's the difference between a priest who steals from the collection plate and a Scotish mum?'
'A corrupt priest doesn't yell so much.'
It didn't make sense to me then and it doesn't make sense to me now. I'm pretty sure a cow whispered it to me as I cursed the ungranniness of my granny gear.
Still, every Scotish mum has a certain edge to her voice. In your best Scotish accent, say 'Quit yer yelling or I'll smack you one.' Now, in the exact same voice, say 'Duncan...Thomas, supper's ready. C'mon laddies.' Delicious mince & tatties with a side of fear.
About 40 miles prior to my chat with the cow, we had a run-in with a Scotish mum, possibly a grandmum:
I was leading as we made our way up a small hill in a small town. Carrying a decent amount of speed - maybe 10mph. We rode to the far left like a good Brit should do. Suddenly, an oncoming car crosses the center line, driving straight at me hugging the curb. The car, less than ten feet away continues rolling forward directly in our line of travel. It stops sharply about 5 feet in front of my tire just as I slam on my brakes. Shannon crashes into me and falls to the side as she struggles to get her foot out of the pedal.
I throw my arms up in a 'What are you thinking' gesture as Shannon groans behind me.
The driver opens the door and before her foot touches the curb, I hear: 'Oh, now don't you go blamin' that on me mister. That there's your own doin'. You saw me signal clear as day. You knew I was parking right from the get go.'
'Ma'am' I replied calmly, 'bicycles are required to follow the same traffic laws as cars. Would you have drove your car 5 feet in front of an oncoming truck? I think you would have waited under those circumstances. Unfortunately, with our heavy bags, it takes us a bit longer to stop and we are not as nimble as you may assume. Had you hit me, your car may have been slightly scratched or dented, but I would be in the hospital. Just putting your turn signal on does not give you the right to drive directly in to oncoming traffic. It does give you the right to wait until the road is clear and then park on the wrong side of the street. Please take more care around cyclist in the future like the other 99.9% of your countrymen.' I then dismounted from my bicycle, leaned it up against her car as she walked in to the market and I shopped alongside her during her entire stay. Never letting more than 5 feet fall between us.
No....I actually thought all that out over the next 40 miles. Right before my hallucinagenic cow encounter.
What actually came out of my mouth was a string of explatives with little logic holding them together. I remember clever phrases like, 'We're in the $£%^ UK now' and '$£€* on your &*£$ turning signal &"%*%. I don't remember what my hands were doing.
Nor can I recall what she was yelling back at me, but I know her eyes were in full spanking mode. I think she had already begun loosening her belt by the time I remembered to check if Shannon was OK. She was fine. And wisely not joining in. But she didn't stop me either.
We rode away and attacked the hills with the left over adrenaline only to arrive at a campground filled with a dozen more Scotish mums and sulking children. Each joyful shout met with a louder and deeper 'Quit yer yellin' before I smack you. Sit down and shut it.'
Silly cow.